I'm Alive - Xanadu (Track 6 of 10)

Aaron:

Attention: This post has content that might be unsuitable for young children, sensitive people, and pretty much anyone who values their sanity.

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There is something that has always bugged me. A little tiny, nagging uncomfortableness from my childhood. I've been able to keep it out of mind for a long time, but it's time to confront it. I'd like to present, for you consideration, a scene from the 1998 hit classic "The Rugrats Movie"






Ok, seriously. WHAT.THE.FUCK.

Why the hell does Didi have a fucking TYRANNOSAURUS REX in her vagina?! Was that Stonehenge and group of monkeys?! No wonder babies are crying when they're born, they have to pass through a fucking NIGHTMARE REALM! If I was Stu, I'd never have sex with her again because I'd be afraid of getting my dick poked off by the FUCKING SPHYNX.

Can you imagine the effect this scene had on a kid my age? No wonder I've always been slightly awkward around girls; they have THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN THEIR SNATCH. I don't know about you, but to me, that's slightly intimidating.

Ethan:

A baby is a funny thing
All fat and soft and fine
I'm often quite amused by them
Especially if they're mine

I've found they are quite durable
Immune from wears and tears
I found this out the other day
When I dropped one down the stairs

A baby will eat anything
It will shove things in its mouth
But fear not, it can be found again
If you look a little south

They smile when they look at things
Watching with their eyes
Except for when "The View" is on
Then it only cries

I love my baby like a son
Which is just what he is
And if my wife would just get off her ass
I'd like a few more kids

Here is the News - Time (Track 10 of 16)

Aaron:

We interrupt these messages to bring you this breaking news!

Local complaints of News interruptions are reaching a record high! As news channels get more and more desperate for viewers, they have begun resulting to inserting random news updates during the airing of popular television shows. Viewers are not going to take this sitting down.
"I just want to watch Family Guy without having some pretentious news anchor in my face telling me some tragic story about Zimbabwe" says Chester Grondo, 33, of Forest Hills, North Dakota. "How can I enjoy myself when I'm being forced to know about so many depressing things?"

Looking a recent trends, it does not look like this surge of unwanted information has any intention of stopping. In the past year alone, over 100 shows have been interrupted prematurely. "If this rate continues, we can expect our television shows to be 20% commercials, 20% of the actual show, and 70% News Interuptions!" claims Wally Hotfoe, a scientist we happened to find on the street.

Obviously, this is a distressing situation. We'll be back after these 3 minutes of actual programing to report on even more inane crap!

Ethan:

After All - Secret Messages (Track 14 of 14)

Aaron:

I'm stranded.
I'm stranded in Outer Space.
The fucking inner-tube line broke.
or someone cut it.
I bet it was Carl.
That bastard.
Slowly spinning.
Fucking lack of friction.
Fucking Carl.
Maybe I'll hit an asteroid or something.
I doubt it.
Fucking infinite cosmos.
At least I have a few sandwiches...
which have Tuna in them.
These are not my sandwiches.
These are Carl's sandwiches.
Fucking Carl.

Ethan:

He was supposed to come back for the others.
To tell them whether it was safe to come out.
But the sky was so beautiful.
And the air was so crisp.
He could see why no one had come back before.

Julie Don't Live Here - Time (Track 16 of 16)

Aaron:

"Hello?"

"Hi. It's Me. We have a code red."

"Ummm....excuse me?"

"You have to come down to central immediately. We're all waiting for you."

"I think you have the wron..."

"This is a matter of life and death! We need to get the Omega Beam up and running within 24 hours or everyone on this planet will die. Stop fooling around!"

"Who is this?!"

"Wait...I am speaking to Julie, right?"

"No. She moved away a few months ago. Julie don't live here anymore."

"Shit"

"Yeah, sorry. I was trying to tell you."

"Ok, well.....I better be going then."

"Urr...you said something about the planet ending?"

"......You must have been hearing things. Sorry for troubling you."

"No, I'm pretty sure I heard you mention..."

CLICK

Ethan:

Baby I Apologize - ELO II (Track 7 of 9)

Aaron:

Waaaaah!! Waaaaah!!

It's your turn to check the baby, dear.

Waaaaah!! Waaaaah!!

It's your turn to check the dear, baby.

Waaaaah!! Waaaaah!!

It's your turn to wake the baby, baby.

Waaaaah!! Waaaaah!!

Turn, baby, Turn.

Waaaaah!! Waaaaah!!

Check the Czech. It's a baby.

Waaaaah!! Waaaaah!!

It's your turn to turn the deer, Czech.

Waaaaah!! Waaaaah!!

Oh, baby, baby.....

Waaaaaah!! Waaaaaaah!!

WAAAAAAH!! WAAAAAAAAHH!!

WAAA

Ethan:

"Mrs. Robinson?" The secretary looked up at the empty waiting room. Billy's mother slowly rose to her feet. "Now you wait right here, Billy." she said, " I'll be done in a bit, and then we'll go get some ice cream."

Billy watched his mother blankly, turning back to his toys before she finished speaking. He made airplane sounds as he moved his "Kermit the Frog" doll across the air. Buuuuurrrrrrooooowwwwww.

Mrs. Robinson sighed and followed the secretary out of the room.

Kermit flew through the air. The wind rushed against his cheeks. He was exhilarated. He made flips and turns and danced through the sky. He felt unleashed from all his earthly burdens.

Mrs. Robinson sat down across from the doctor. He explained to her that there was an experimental drug that could possibly offer a treatment for Billy. "It is very risky." he told Billy's mother.

Kermit looked down from above. Below him, the other toys stared up in amazement. How beautiful he was. How full of grace. They held their breath with each dive and turn he made.

Billy's mother exited the doctors office and spoke quietly with the secretary. She then walked up behind Billy and silently watched him play.

Kermit dived towards the ground and pulled up at the last moment. As he rocketed back up, a smile came upon his face. He felt free. He felt immortal.

Night in the City - Out of the Blue (Track 5 of 17)

Aaron:




Ethan:

Eldorado Finale - Eldorado (10 of 12)

Aaron:

Well, that's it! We're done! We've actually finished every single song that ELO has ever written! It's the finale! Hooray! YES! YES! YE...

What? We're not even close?

We have over 120 songs left?

Aw crap....

Ethan:

Poseidon lifts his mighty arms towards the sky as the flaming hail storm rains down upon earth. Beneath him, people and animals run for shelter to no avail. Many fall on their faces and pray to Zeus for mercy, but Zeus is dead, and Poseidon lends no mercy towards their pleas. He had lent none of them mercy. Not Zeus or Hera, Hades, or any of the others. They had all been unsuspecting, so full of themselves. Ever since he was regurgitated, he had been playing second fiddle. Zeus, that incestuous bastard, took his own sister as a wife, and ruled as king. What was he left with? The sea. He gives Hades all of the underworld. Heck, he even names the place after him! But what does Zeus give him? The sea. The goddamn sea. The least he could have done was let him have Aphrodite as a wife. But who does he give her to? Hephaestus. The retarded blacksmith. Asshole.

Poseidon lowers his arms. Beneath him the earth lays in ruin. Behind him, Mount Olympus burns in flames. Suddenly, he feels very tired and old.

A Long Time Gone - Zoom (10 of 13)

Aaron:



Ethan:

(Sound of harmonica)

Its a tough life
Things aren't always easy
Its a hard life
Sometimes it makes you queasy
You get shot on down for what you do
Sometimes you need a hand
Its a tough life
In an a capella band

In the Hall of the Mountain King - On the Third Day (Track 9 of 9)

Aaron:

Scene opens with thief sneaking into the Mountain King's lair. Music is slow, but building. As the thief walks around in the shadows you see that the Mountain King is holding an elaborate party in the grand chamber.

The thief accidentally trips a trap that releases a giant spiked ball that rolls towards him. He runs away from it as the music gets even faster and louder. The audience fears for the thief, but at the same time, know that he will be fine. This is a kid's movie after all.

The thief manages to cut a hole through the floor, landing right in the middle of the Mountain King's lair. The music is crazy now, as the patrons run away from both the thief and the giant metal spiked ball which has fallen from the ceiling.

The Mountain Thief roars and catches the thief by the legs. The audience is slightly worried. How will the thief get out of this one? But, as the music reaches it's highest point, the metal ball comes rolling by and slams into the Mountain King. No blood, of course. Just a big bump on the head.

The thief sneaks out of the lair, grinning to himself, treasure in hand.

Audience stands and cheers. A good time is had by all.

And one 6 year old can't fall asleep that night because he feels bad for the carpenter who has to come patch up the ceiling the next day.

Ethan:

Darren was unhappy with Infinity. It had barged into his life quite unexpectedly, and it was beginning to seem like it simply wasn't going to leave. It had come in through an open upstairs window and had made its way down to the kitchen where it made itself itself a sandwich. It then lay down in Darren's favorite armchair and began watching Animal Planet on Darren's flat screen TV. This, without even saying "hello".

Darren first met Infinity a month ago, on his way home from a pub. It was sleeping on the bench at the bus stop across from Warren's Park. It had seemed so helpless and pitiful that Darren felt like he had no choice but to bring him home. He brought it back and fed it, and that should have been that. But Darren, in his slightly inebriated state, told it to come back anytime. He had enjoyed the company.

Now, Infinity seemed to be permanent company. Darren couldn't find it in himself to tell it to leave. Every time he tried to bring the subject up, Infinity would interrupt him, asking him if he wanted to order out for chinese food or if it would be ok if it heated up some of the microwave buffalo wings. Other times it would just flash him it's big puppy dog eyes and tell him how nice it was to have a friend like him. Infinity could play Darren like a mandalin, and Darren just had to take it.

So, Darren was unhappy with Infinity. He sat there with it, watching Animal Planet and eating barbeque ranch pringles, and hating himself for ever picking the thing up in the first place. On the TV, a polar bear is dying of starvation.

First Movement (Jumping Biz) - No Answer (Track 5 of 12)

Aaron:



Ethan:

Those dirty bastards...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JxMxnCRk2k

http://www.accessguy.com/Color/MP3/Copies/ClassicalGas.mp3

.

Don't Walk Away - Xanadu (Track of 10)

Aaron:

Talk to any teacher or his parents, and any one of them would tell you that Sam loved going to school. Each day he would jump out of bed, get dressed quickly, and rush off to class. He never missed a day, even when he was sick with fever. Each of the teachers secretly suspected that they were the one responsible for his enthusiasm, but the truth was a bit simpler. You see, Sam was in love with the girl who sat in front of him in his Science class (Such is the curse of Freshman year).

Stark, cropped, black hair, cute face, funny, perfect. He couldn't wait to go to school each morning just so he could see her again. Of course, she barely had any idea he existed (Such is the curse of freshman year) but he was content to sit behind her and watch the back of her neck. Oh, he tried talking to her multiple times, and the chats were quite amiable, but no friendship blossomed from these (Such is the curse of Freshman year).

Time passed, and he made more friends. It just so happened that one of them was friends with the girl. As they all hung out, he became closer with the girl, becoming actual friends. In the middle of the year, Sam decided to take a risk. He asked her out to a movie. And, surprisingly she said yes! They both had a great time, and Sam was happy. Still, he wondered whether she even considered it a date, or whether she just assumed it was as friends (Such is the curse of Freshman year).

Time passed, and during the summer he decided to take another risk. They went to another movie and this time he asked her out. She seemed a bit startled at first, and then looked at him and said, "No, I just don't see us like that. We're friends.".....or that's what she thought at least. In reality, she said "yes", not willing to turn him down (Such is the curse of Freshman year).

Time passed, and Sam was ecstatic! It seemed like his dreams had come true. A whole year of waiting and...finally. For the next week they spent time together talking and hanging out, and at the end of the week, he kissed her, lightly, once, and went home. The next day she broke up with him. He was crushed for a while after that. Everything he had wanted, gone before his eyes. There was nothing left (Such is the curse of Freshman year).

Time passed, and Sam went through his sophomore year. It was fun, but his teachers could tell he just wasn't into it anymore. The year came and went, and he became a Junior. Slowly, he got over the girl, and remained very good, close, friends with her. On New Years Eve while hanging out with her and her friends, he struck up a conversation with an old classmate from many years ago named Sarah and decided to try again (Such is the curse of Junior year).

Ethan:

Dark City - Eldorado (Track 12 of 12)

Aaron:

I can't see a thing
Could someone please hit the lights?
One city, one switch

Ethan:

I remember a time when a bag of chips cost 50¢.
Now they cost a dollar.

Oh! Ode to a vending machine.
Back from the time I was young.
Where one could buy boxes of "Shock-Tarts"
Or a salty snack to tingle my tongue.

And why can't a guy get an actual bottle of orange juice anywhere?
Instead of some watered-down sugary crap.

Oh! Ode to a vending machine.
Back from the time of my youth.
Where one could buy a "Hawaiian Punch"
Or something to treat my sweet tooth.

And would it be so hard to put in some "Almond M&M's" once in a while?
Some people actually like almonds.

Oh! Ode to a vending machine.
Back from the time I was small.
Where one could find "Cookies 'n' Cream" bars
Now I can't find them at all.

Ma-Ma-Ma-Belle - On the Third Day (Track 7 of 14)

Aaron:

Just once, I want to have a "Fonz" moment. You know what I'm talking about, that whole thing where everyone is hanging out and he just busts in through the door and everyone stops doing what they are doing and stares as he waltzes down the hall to some cool music. Everything slows down as he gets closer to the cute girl sitting at the end, stands in front of her, all eyes on him, leans down, puts his thumbs out and says his classic line:

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Ethan:

Ettore Boiardi stepped out into the street. A cool evening breeze was blowing lightly, and the street lights were just beginning to turn on. For the first time in his life Ettore felt truly content with himself, with his life's work. He set off down the cobblestones of Woodland Avenue towards East 9th Street. He could hear the sound of families settling down for dinner, along with the various scents that accompanied them. They lifted his heart and added a spring to his step. He quickened his pace. The year was 1967. It was the summer of love.

Turn to Stone - Out of the Blue (Track 1 of 17)

Aaron:

Ok, here's a joke for ya:
So a man walks into a bar, right? And this man...he goes up to the bartender and says to him, "Hey, don't tell anyone, but I'm actually a Genie in disguise." Now the bartender, he just looks at him, thinking he's just a crazy drunk who's had a bit too much to drink. But, he decides he's going to play along for a bit, just for fun.

"Oh yeah?" he says, "Does that mean I get 3 wishes or something?" "Well," says the man, "I guess it can't hurt to give you one wish. I shouldn't, but I'm in a good mood today. (You see, the man actually HAD had too much to drink, but he WAS a genie. Plus, as you well know, Genies cannot hold their liquor.) "What'll it be?" the Genie asks. The bartender thinks for a bit, and eventually says, "Well, It would be nice to get out of this crappy bar. I wish I had a million bucks!"

The Genie, he claps he hands three times and all of a sudden the bartender turns into a rock hard statue. "Crap," says the Genie. "I guess I really did have too much to drink"

HAHAHAHAhahaha.....

My friends hit me when I tell this joke >_>

Ethan:

Sorry For The Delay

ELO Labefactation would like to apologize for the delay.

We are currently experiencing social turbulence and there will be no posts until emotional stability has been achieved.

Status:

Developing use of black humor - 78%
Updating moral standards - 34%
Rebooting faith in humanity - Error

Ermmm, might be a bit longer. Sorry!

Is it Alright - Balance of Power (Track 5 of 10)

Aaron:

CIA CASE STUDY

Name: Joe Murock
Age: 24
Height: 5' 11
Sex: Male

Joe seems to be suffering from a rare condition called "Gregor's Indecision Syndrome". People with this tend to exhibit a severe decrease in their reasoning and confidence abilities. In short, they are never certain whether anything they do is acceptable. We found Joe in the local supermarket. This is a recording of our first encounter.

CIA: Excuse me, I'm Agent Bronson from the CIA. We've received a call saying that you have been in this store for the past 12 hours muttering to yourself and causing a public nuisance.

Joe: Is it alright if I poke your nose?

CIA: Erm...no, I would appreciate if you didn't. Could you please explain to us what is going on here?

Joe: Is it alright if I buy this can of squashed peas?

CIA: You can buy the peas after you answer our questions.

Joe: Is it alright if I answer your questions?

CIA: It's more than alright, it's what we want. Please stop fooling around or we will have to escort you out of here.

*At this point Joe poked Agent Bronson's nose*

CIA: Goddamnit Joe! I said that wasn't alright!


This continued on for the next hour or so. Agent Bronson is highly trained, but even his patience began to wear out. Joe was taken in for questioning later that day. He is now being help in confinement in the Doctor's ward. As soon as we get the report back from his tests earlier today we will begin the rehabilitation. But I wonder, is it alright to be doing this to a normal citizen? Is it alright to take him away from his home and family without telling them? Is it alright if....

END CASE STUDY

Ethan:

Johnathan Holding's first entry into the public eye was on the game show "Quiz Whiz" which aired on November 12th, 1985. Holding's perfect score on the show along with his intimidating, shy stage presence, brought him to the attention of Ed Burbank, the producer of "Jeopardy". Jonathan appeared on "Jeopardy" on February 1st, 1986. He stayed on the show for a record 26 episodes, earning a total of $828,960. Throughout his run, Holding was known for his tendency to answer questions moving horizontally along the rows of the board, instead of vertically down the columns as is usual. On March 4th, 1986, Holding's wife, Trisha, was diagnosed with stomach cancer. On March 8th, Holding was defeated by Marcus Frier after incorrectly answering the "Final Jeopardy" question.

Johnathan became a quasi-celebrity during and after his Jeopardy run. He was featured on the cover of "TIME" magazine and appeared on various talk show programs. He enjoyed his popularity while it lasted, and eventually went back to work at his old job, as a train conductor.

Two years after Holding's streak on Jeopardy, Vanessa Osborne, a former makeup artist who worked for NBC, came out with the claim that she had been in an affair with Johnathan at the time of his appearances on the show. She claimed that she had been supplying the questions to Holding throughout the majority of the show's run. Despite questionable evidence and the fact that Osborne refused to explain how she received the questions, Holding's reputation was destroyed. NBC made him return his winnings, but due to recent medical treatment for his wife, Holding was unable to pay.

Public opinion of Holding was bitter. He was often spit upon while walking down the street, and his house was vandalized on numerous occasions. He was forced to step down from his job as a train conductor, as he would be recognized and abused by the passengers. Holding disappeared from the public eye.

On February 1st, 1970, four years after his loss on Jeopardy, Holding was discovered dead in his apartment by his landlord. His wife had died two days before.

Upon hearing of Holding's suicide, Vanessa Osborne confessed to making up the story about Holding. Some public pressure was put on NBC to donate Holding's winnings to a foundation for cancer research, but no donation was made.

Mission (A World Record) - A New World Record (Track 4 of 9)

Aaron:




Ethan:

The Kendel twins created a time machine (so to speak)
In truth what they had created was a box (about the size of a small closet)
Time moved faster in the box (seconds outside were years inside)

The Kendel twins had struck gold (so to speak)
The possible uses for the machine were endless (take wine for example)
There were just a few tests that needed to be done (just to clear things up)

The Kendel twins had a miscommunication (so to speak)
One Kendel turned on the box (while the other was inside)
And did not fix his mistake for three seconds (at least)

The Kendel twins were no longer twins (so to speak)
The twin inside the box was now dead (from lack of water)
And the other was now twice as rich (he never liked him anyway)

*The Battle Of Marston Moor (July 2nd 1644) - No Answer (Track 4 of 12)*

*Aaron*: Testing, testing. Ok, seems good. I'm here with Colonel Brad Bransky, well known Hero of the Battle of Marston Moor. It has taken me 5 years of intense research to track him down, and I am currently the only human alive that knows of his existence. He has agreed to answer a few questions I have in exchange for keeping his secret. If I'm lucky...I can put this whole ordeal to an end right now. Colonel, thank you for this.

BB: .....

Aaron: To start, most of the events of that battle have become public knowledge thanks to the paper published by Archaeologist Dr. Ethan Resnes. Still, I feel that we have not been told the whole story. If you could please, explain the exact details of the battle.

BB: For the most part, Ethan is correct. We were cornered on all sides. The southern quadrant had recently been taken over and we had lost most of our men and ammunition. It seemed that all of our hard work had been for nothing. Suddenly, at the peak of our doom, everything stopped. Just froze completely.

Aaron: What do you mean when you say "froze"?

BB: ......

Aaron: Please. I need you to explain what happened, no matter how hard it is.

BB:.....Frozen...like ice. Everything just stopped right in it's tracks. All my men, my tanks, the enemy...just frozen in time.

Aaron: And you?

BB: I was spared this effect. I looked around the field in shock, as if in a dream. You wouldn't believe the feeling of being the only one unfrozen.

Aaron: You have no idea...

BB: Excuse me?

Aaron: Nothing. Please continue with your story.

BB: I walked around checking if my men were alive or not. They didn't have heartbeats, but it was clear that there was still life in them. It stayed that way for 2 hours, me just sitting there. It was at that point that I saw the boy again.

Aaron: The boy?

BB: The messenger boy, Johen Klip.

Aaron: !?

BB: He was a small lad, I'd say about five or six years younger than you are. His job was to run from station to station and deliver messages to the various soldiers. This particular boy had just ran further down the mountain to deliver the news of the enemies success, so it was surprising to see him back so soon. Nonetheless, it was good to see another moving person. As I walked up to him, he held out his hand, as if to stop me. He then said, "All is not lost. There's one thing I can do. The enemies' Energized Lombart Opal....if I could destroy that....." He seemed to be lost in thought.

Aaron: What exactly is an "Energized Lombart Opal"?

BB: Don't know exactly, but it seemed to be the source of energy for the opposing side. Supposedly it was dug up by their scientists from the site of an ancient temple, a powerful treasure...and an even more powerful weapon...but again, these were all rumors. No one really knows if this Opal even existed. Anyways, Johen was silent for a bit...and then...

Aaron: .....

BB: I'm sorry. I can't continue.

Aaron: You have to! Please. This is a matter of life and death!

BB: Oh? It seems that you have your own story in this....eh? Tell me...why are you so interested in that battle? I think I deserve to know if I'm here doing this all for you.

Aaron: I can't tell you much...but I will say that I'm fairly certain that the Energized Lombart Opal existed...That's all I can say.

BB: .....I guess an old man like me can never expect to understand the whole story. Very well, I'll continue. As I was saying, Johen was silent...and then disappeared. Vanished into the air just as quickly as everything had frozen. It was also at that moment that all my men were revived, as if nothing had ever happened. They were back to normal...but not everything was the same. This, I believe was also mentioned in Dr. Resnes' paper. Everything was still silent. The soldiers stood there, in the field and we all began to realize that the enemy had stopped. The soldiers began celebrating, but I was still nervous. Besides everything that had just happened to me, something still seemed out of place. That was when the noise began.

Aaron: The whistling noise?

BB: Yes. A shrill piercing howl. Then, the object fell from the sky. Of course, we know what that object was...

Aaron: Johen's head.

BB: Correct. What isn't mentioned in any report though was the strangest part....

Aaron: ......

BB: The neck...it was a clean cut, perfect in every way, as if the smoothest blade had cut it. Plus, there was no blood coming from the wound. It almost seemed as if the cut had healed right away. Of course, back in those times there was nothing nearly as fine to be able to do that...To this day I have no idea what it could have been.

Aaron: And then?

BB: And then that's it. The enemy really was defeated. Every single man...dead. No wounds, no reason. Just...dead. We had won.

Aaron: Do you think Johen had done his part?

BB: Impossible. The enemy base was over 30 miles away. He could never reached them in the amount of time that passed.

Aaron: But you yourself had experienced frozen time! If he had traveled that way he could have had all the time he needed...plus, the dead bodies...all of them dead at the same time...you didn't find that odd?

BB: At that point we had seen enough odd things to last a life time. The battle was over, that was all that mattered. That's my story. Did it help?

Aaron: More than you can imagine. Thank you. One last question. After the battle...why did you hide away?

BB: Oh...I was just tired. I couldn't stand to be around people after all the war I had seen.

Aaron: I find that very hard to believe. You had just reclaimed your city...why would you not go back to the family you fought to defend? You had another reason...something you didn't want anyone to know.

BB: Smart child. I'll stick by my word though. An old man like me can't be blamed for having some secrets left. Now, I must be leaving you. I hope this "matter of life and death" works out for you.
-------------------------------------------
Aaron: Frozen time, simultaneous deaths, the whistling howl...there's no mistaking it. I've put it off long enough...I'm going to need to find the Energized Lombart Opal,the fabled ELO, before anyone else. And if I can't...well, that's not an option. This is Aaron Klip, signing off.

Ethan:

After all of the training, the sweat and the blood, the pain that no man should ever have to feel. After all of the years of preparation, the time for action was upon him.

His dreams were filled with nightmares. Filled with horrible images from his past. But all of that would be made up for soon.

This was his destiny. This was his reason for living. Losing was not a possibility. It was the pinnacle of his existence, the time was now.

Stranger on a Quiet Street - Zoom (Track 5 of 13)

Aaron:



Ethan:

Thomas was lost. He had been lost for the past four hours. It had been a stupid idea in the first place. Not just the orienteering, but the whole trip in general. How the hell did he get himself stuck in this situation? Stuck in this country? He still could barely speak the language, not like these people had anything interesting to say anyway. Thomas looked at his orienteering map again. He couldn't find the next control, and even if he did, he had no idea where he was in relation to it. He crumpled up the map and threw it, the wind carrying it four feet before it landed. Thomas got up and started walking. If he had set his mind to it he could have easily found his way, but Thomas was childish and stubborn. He was one who would prefer to wander aimlessly rather than problem solve, which made orienteering the worst possible choice for a hobby.

After another hour of walking in circles, Thomas came upon a small clearing. Standing in the middle of the clearing was an old man dressed in a trenchcoat and brimmed hat. Thomas stopped. The area in which the race was taking place was supposedly deserted. And Thomas hadn't seen the man at the start. He called out to the man, and the man slowly turned and began walking towards him. "You know where we are, mate?" Thomas called out agian. The old man did not answer. "You speak English, you bloody old fart?" The man continued to move closer to Thomas, until he was standing next to him, less than a foot apart. "What the hell do you think your-" The old man slapped Thomas across the face. "Du lat Engelsk son av en hyndan!" Thomas fell to the ground. "Stå upp med min land!" Thomas curled up into a ball as the man began to kick him repeatedly. When the kicking finally stopped, Thomas looked up. The man was gone. He could hear someone's voice in the distance, "Thomas! Var er du, du mike lteif?" Thomas got up and walked towards the voice.

Sorrow about to Fall - Balance of Power (Track 6 of 10)

Aaron:

I was all shaken up. Don Gio had got me stuck tighter than a traffic jam in New York City on the Fourth of July. His two goons each pressed cold iron to the back of my head. If any help was on it's way, they'd be at least 10 minutes too late to do any good. Don Gio smiled in my direction.

"Well, it looks like our little friend here won't talk. We'll just have to up the ante a bit, hmmm?" Immediately I got a sinking feeling, like a cold iceberg during monsoon season. One of the goons walked to the side of the room and opened the door to a hidden safe. "I want you to see what's inside here," said the Don. "I think you might find it very interesting." He held up what looked to be a brass ring.
"So what?," I said, "Looks like a piece of junk to me." The shadow crossed over the Don's face, "I don't think you're in the postition to be smug, Mr. Patch. I'll have you know that this is the ancient ring of Kualbong Frons. It's easily worth more money than those fools at the Docking Station could ever imagine. With this much power in my hands, I'll never have to deal with those infernal beurocrats ever again!"

I've had heard enough. I quickly sprung into the air with an uppercut right at Goon #1's big mug. Within seconds, I had Goon #2 pinned to the ground out cold. That left just the Don. He charged at me, but 25 years on the street gives me better reflexes than any uptight business bruiser any day of the year. As I held him out over an open window, he started to grin.

"What's so funny, slick?" I asked. "You can't drop me," he smiled. "I still have the ring."

"Oh, you mean this old thing?" I said producing the ring from my pocket.

"But...but...that means the ring I have is...."

"A fake. Just a piece of junk, like I said."

"Then why even come here in the first place if you had it? Why get yourself caught and pretend to be helpless?," the Don gasped.

"Simple," I said. "I slept in a Holiday Inn last night."

Ethan:

Wild West Hero - Out of the Blue (Track 17 of 17)

Aaron:

Today I went to an Indian Buffet with my friends. I was disappointed though, they didn't have turkey or cornbread.

Sorry for the bad one liner puns, folks. I've been kinda busy lately. Don't worry, it will get better soon.

Ethan:

*Danger Ahead - Secret Messages (Track 8 of 14)*

Aaron:

If someone ever says that they don't understand the saying, "Danger: A head." then they've never met a biter.

*Ethan*:

"Get down boy!" The rocket slammed against the western barrier, spraying debris over the huddled mass of soldiers crouching behind it. A messenger boy was rushing through the crowd in order to reach the colonel. "The southern quadrant has been taken over colonel!" the boy spoke out of breath, "You don't have much time before they reach you from behind." The boy then ran off, west past the barrier, towards the next unit of men stationed further down the mountain. The colonel scratched at his large oiled mustache. They were cornered in now, sitting like cattle before a slaughter. He had been raised in this city. His great-great-grandfather had been one of its founders, his father and grandfather before him had both fought for it in the war, and now he was watching it all crumble down around him. "This is it boys!" He shouted out over the earsplitting sound of explosions and gunfire, "We're gonna show them all what we're is truly made of! This is our city, boys! And were never gonna let them take it from us!" As cheers began to rise from the soldiers, the noise around them suddenly was replaced with complete and utter silence.

The soldiers quickly fell still. They looked around, confused, unsure of what had just happened. The silence was so complete that they could hear the sound of their own heartbeats, rapid and hard. It was shocking, the sound of their hearts. As was the sound of their breath, and of their clothes rubbing against their skin. The soldiers looked at one another, never in their lives had they not been surrounded by the sound of war. "Is it over?" one soldier asked, "Is the war over?" A great joy began to spread among the soldiers. They slowly put down their weapons and began to embrace one another. They started to laugh and cheer, and some began to sing. Only the colonel did not join in on the celebration. He remained still and cautious, looking up at the barrier. "Its not over." He said quietly. "Not yet." A noise penetrated through the barrier, from further down the mountain. It broke through the sound of the celebration, and once again the soldiers fell still.

The noise was followed by a whistling sound, the sound of something flying through the air. An object flew over the barrier and crashed into the center of the crowd of soldiers. Slowly, the colonel made his way through the soldiers towards the object. He reached the point where the object had landed and looked down at it. The ruined head of the messenger boy stared up at him.

Twilight - Time (Track 2 of 16)

Aaron:

GIANT ROBOTS KILL THOUSANDS OF FANGIRLS; AWARDED MEDAL FOR HEROICS

New York, New York - Local citizens were shocked tonight when a giant portal opened up during the red carpet premier of the new movie "Twilight" and unleashed multitudes of human sized, metal, glowing robots upon the moviegoers. As panic swept the theater, the robots proceeded to decimate a large majority of the audience using lasers, chainsaws, and pipe wrenches. The carnage lasted a total of 2 hours. During the aftermath it was revealed that the robots had actually sparred quite a few people from the audience , mainly news reporters, celebrities, and adults. In fact, they had only went after the fangirls in attendance.

"Fangirls" (Scientific Name: Annoyingus Teenacus) is the term used for girls who obsess over a certain thing, such as a movie, actor, or band. Although they are usually harmless, the "Twilight Bunch" have a distinct difference. Known for their black clothes, dyed hair, and habit of launching into discussions of whether Edward or Jacob is more "sexy", they are considered rabid and dangerous.

The robots are set to appear live today in Washington D.C. as they are awarded with Medals of Extreme Heroics. "I can only thank them for their sense of duty and hope that they extend their reign of terror across the country," claimed President Bush. When asked for a comment, the robot leader only replied, "We just got fed up with hearing them talk about how great the book was. It was really fucking annoying."

"Twilight" stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson and is currently playing in theaters across the country. Go see it if you want to, but be warned, the robots will probably chainsaw your ass to next week if you do.

Ethan:

Twilight Inc!
I only meant to stay awhile
Twilight Inc!
But now I cannot even smile
Twilight Inc!
It's like I'm immo-bile
Twilight Inc!
The job did not appear hostile
Twilight Inc!
But in truth it is quite vile
Twilight Inc!
Everyone acts juvenile
Twilight Inc!
I think one guy's a pedophile
Twilight Inc!
My best friend there is just a file
Twilight Inc!
Perhaps this seems a bit puerile
Twilight Inc!
And trust me I am not senile
Twilight Inc!
But sex has recently been futile
Twilight Inc!
My body's been unexsertile
Twilight Inc!
My dysfunction is erectile
Twilight Inc!
The job has made infer-tile
Twilight Inc!
I only meant to stay awhile

In Old English Town (Boogie #2) [Instrumental] - ELO II (Track 6 of 9)

Aaron:

In Old Electric Piano Town [Instrumental]



Ethan:

Down Home Town - Face the Music (Track 7 of 8)

Aaron:




FULL PICTURE

Ethan:

"You think your a smart ass mother fucker, don't you?" Jerry, the blacksmith's apprentice, spoke through his clenched teeth. "You think your some sort of a mother fucking hero." He pushed my head back into the horse manure. "I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fucking prick." I gasped for air as he pulled me up for a moment, before plunging me back in. In retrospect, I should have just kept my mouth shut and not have mentioned any thing to Derek (or "Papa Bear" as that fat ass has us call him), but for god's sake, he was putting goat piss into the root beer. And kids where going to drink that shit. Not to mention the fact that he was fucking the saloon girl, Becca, out in the jail cell almost every night after closing. What ever way you looked at it, the guy was a douche, and he ought to have gotten fired over a month ago. I should have just quit right at the beginning. Said "fuck this shit" as soon as Derek showed me what my job would be. Stable boy? Is that a fucking joke? Shit, this whole place is a joke. Deadwood: Authentic Western Town my ass. I should have taken that life guarding job when I had the chance. I should have kept my fucking mouth shut about the goat piss in the root beer. At least then I wouldn't be face full of shit.

Just for Love - Zoom (Track 4 of 13)

Aaron:

Awww yeah baby. This songs for all you lovers out there. You know who I'm talkin bout. Those smooth brothers that keep their ladies up all night long. So sit down with that special someone, light some candles, and groove out to this sexy single. It will make you wanna do her till the cows come home. Yeaha...You know what I'm sayin. Listen to this music, and you'll just want to **** her little *****. You dig it man? You can just **** that ***** like a ******. Just take your **** and **** with a **** and a ******. You can even **** if you wanted to. Or, if you want to be real special, try to **** some **** all up in that ***** and a tiny bit of *****, smells like **** can't get enough of **** and you might find that ***** maple syrup ***** toss in a ****** Tony Danza ***** and a giant ****** Salty Dog Shrimp ****** wearing gym shorts.

Ethan:

One year ago
Poblano Fresco on Poblano Cheese Bread
I had never seen anyone like you before. I can't stop thinking about you.

11 months ago
California Grille on Whole Grain Harvest
I thought I would never see you again. When I handed you your change, you smiled at me. I should talk to you.

9 months ago
Three Lentil Vegetable Soup
You seem distracted, something has changed. I wish I could help, but you would think I was a creep if I said anything.

8 months ago
Tuna Salad on Caraway Rye
Your hurt. You have a black eye, you've tried to cover it with make-up, but I know your face. I can tell. I should ask you about it. Tell you I'd kill the man who did it. Tell you I love you and that I'll never let someone do this to you again. I hand you your receipt with out a word.

5 months ago
Asparagus Couscous
I was afraid. I was scared when you didn't come in. I hurt myself because of you, thinking you were dead or being held hostage. It's my fault. If I wasn't such a fucking coward I would have said something to you the last time you came in. You don't deserve someone like me. I'm a loser. I'm disgusted with myself.

3 months ago
D.C. Chicken Salad on Steakhouse Rye & Half Moon Cheese Ravioli
You come in with someone else. A guy. He has his arm around you and your beaming up at him. When he pays he flashes me this big smile. I want to jump over the counter and punch him right in his big fucking mouth. Just like he punched you. I want him to feel pain. I hate him, but more than that, I hate how you adore him. How you look up at him with love in your eyes. The same love I feel for you. But now I can barely look you in the face.

1 month ago
Chicken Carbonara & Uptown Turkey on Harvest Toast
Your with another woman this time, I'm guessing she's a friend or your sister. I avoid you, pretending I'm busy so you won't come to my register. I listen in on your conversation. You talk about wedding plans and a bridal shower. I tell my boss I feel sick and go home early.

Today
I see you today in Blockbuster. You look at me, searching my face, trying to remember where you've seen me before. You puzzle over me for a few seconds. Then you give up and walk away.

It's Over - Out of the Blue (Track 2 of 17)

Aaron:

*Athletes in second place
*Broken Cars
*Calendar of December
*Disco
*Enron
*Former Soviet Union
*Good Nickelodeon shows
*Heath Ledger
*Igloos in Summer
*Jack Thompson's Career
*Kids who think they can fly
*Love
*My innocence
*"Nougat" mispronunciation ("Nuu-get". Not "No-Get" or "Naw-Get". Get it right.)
*Old People
*Pepto Bismol
*Qantassaurus (It's a dinosaur, look it up)
*Random Alphabetical Lists
*Sunsets
*That one kid who sat behind you during "Lord of the Rings" who kept kicking your seat over and over until you turned around and told him "If you kick my seat one more time, You are seriously going to regret it, you little runt"...Well, he just had to push his luck, didn't he? You can't say you didn't warn him, right?....RIGHT?!
*Unicorns
*Velveteen Rabbit
*West from Heroes
*Xylophone; my brother playing one
*Year 2008
*Zoot Suits

Ethan:

11:11:18

Secret Lives - Balance of Power (Track 4 of 10)

Aaron:

It might be the fact that I ate too much cake tonight, or maybe the fact that I'm super tired and just watched a long movie...but I could only listen to this song once. It's just so...80s. I'm beginning to worry that EVERY song here features a synthesizer...god damnit.

I just clicked "play" again and could only handle 2 seconds before shutting it off again. Once is enough. I'm reminded of Jon Hughes movies...the bad ones. This song has "Cheesy Senior Prom Background Music" written all over it.

As a side note, a new rule is that Ethan is NOT allowed to read my posts anymore. This way we can compare how similar or different our views are.

Please, itunes, give me something FUN tomorrow. Let's see what ELO is capable of.

......Just tried the song one more time. No...just no.

Ethan:

Eldorado Overture - Eldorado (Track 1 of 12)

Aaron:

Dear ELO,
Ok, we need to set a few things straight. First of all, playing light music while a creepy voice talks does not count as a song. I don't care if it is the first song on your album, I don't care if you end it with an actual melody for 45 seconds. It just doesn't work that way. Where's the rhythm? Where's the soul?

Second, enough with the repeating voices. Eldorado eldorado eldorado eldorado eldorado eldorado eldorado eldorado....ENOUGH. We get it. Eldorado is the name of the album. Hooray. Now shut up. Maybe you could try some rhyming...or actual lyrics.

Third, your song just cuts off at the end. No, no, don't give me that "But it leads into the next song on the album" mumbo jumbo. That could fly in the old times when people listened to your stuff on vinyl, but in today's day and age, people don't have the time for full albums. We jump around! In the future, be sure to be careful and make all your songs "shuffle compatible"

Overall, it's not a bad song...it just needs some work.

B-

Love,
Sr. Rodalfo

Ethan:

Dear Acathor, Lord of the Pixies

You are herby invited to the wedding of

Prince Brandithen of Eldorado
to
Jasmine, Princess of Yarcudina

12:00 - 1:30
777 Pradnor Alley
Huxelbrung. Eldorado

There will be a luncheon following the ceremony

Sincerely
King Rockforth.................................... King Gorgolon
of Elderado.........................................of Yarcudina

Tightrope - A New World Record (Track 1 of 9)

Aaron:

Bob walked through the creepy forest all alone. He looked left and right, waiting for the inevitable ghost to pop out from behind a tree. Yes, he was scared, but he still had hope...he had to keep going.

He knew he only had one solution. He just closed his eyes, smiled, and ignored everything and jogged forward, imagining the better future. Yes, every so often he would hear something that brought him back to reality, but he kept pushing forward.

Near the end of the forest, he stopped in his tracks. There was something there, something big. The king ghost. It didn't look good for Bob...there really wasn't any way to defeat the ghost or escape. Bob closed his eyes one more time, smiled, and thought about better things as the king ghost slowly enveloped him.

Ethan:
When I first took acid
Breakfast became alive
Count Chocula sung lead vocals
While Frankenberry danced the jive

Fruit Brute was on gui-tar
Yummy Mummy's on the bass
Boo Berry's on the drumset
They were pumping up the place

In truth it was quite scary
The effect from all those pills
My acid trip was haunted
By mascots from General-Mills

I haven't since took LSD
Afraid of what I'll feel
But I can't help missing them a bit
when I eat my ce-real.

Epilogue - Time (Track 13 of 16)

Aaron:

OH GOD.

As this is my first entry, I'm going to keep it pretty simple, but what the hell did I just listen to? It starts of fairly normal and then devolves into a trippy mass of repeating words and scary electric nonsense for the last 11 seconds with no sense of music or direction and then at its peak, it just CUTS OFF.

Favorite part of the song is easily the random deep voice going "21st Century" randomly in the middle of the song. Also, why is this song called "Epilogue" if there are 3 more songs on the album? That's just wrong. Do you have any opinions on this blatant misuse of song titling, Ethan?

Ha! That was easy. Doing this 141 times should be a breeze! Bring it!

Ethan:
The song is called epilogue, and yet... it begins our journey. Ironic no? (heh!).
Aaron, my brother, you ask "what the hell you listened to", but in truth the answer is simple. The chaos of the song represents the chaos of lives. Spiraling onward through "time" and "sorrow" . It is only as we reach the ends of our lives, where the chaos transforms into something understandable and orderly. Then, eventually, like our own lives, it all ends. Suddenly. With no explanation. With no warning. The song title, "Epilogue", is the definition of irony. For in our lives, we have no epilogue. Just silence.

Intro to ELO-L

Welcome to ELO Labefactation!

I'm your host and willing participant, Aaron. I'm sure you have many questions about this website. Well, let me help you out a bit with the:

PAQ
Possibly Asked Questions

1. What exactly is ELO Labefactation?
-ELO Labefactation is a website where my brother and I will be participating in our own music and social experiment. Each day I will randomly choose a song by ELO (Electric Light Orchestra). We will then both listen to the song, and then each write a short response based on how we feel about the song. It can be funny, sad, interesting, a story, a critique, whatever. This goes on until we have gone through every ELO song I have, one song a day, day by day.

2. How many ELO songs DO you have exactly?
-Thanks to the wonderful Internet, I pretty much have their entire discography! I have 13 albums with a total of 142 songs. Hooray!

3. So...you must really like ELO, huh?
-No idea! I've only listened to 2 of their songs....I'm actually hoping that I DON'T like them. That will make this experiment all the more entertaining for the audience.

4. How'd you get your brother to commit to this?
-I kinda tricked him. I told him I was going to do something fun and made him promise to stick to it. We're in this together, for better or for worse. Actually, at the time of writing, I haven't told him what exactly this is yet.

5. What's the point of this?
-It was a spur of the moment idea. I just wanted to do it. There really is no point. Maybe we'll find that out as we go.

6. This website is stupid and your ideas make no sense.
-That's not a question

7. This website is stupid and your ideas make no sense, correct?
-Yeah I guess.

8. Labefactation?
-Rare deterioration; weakening
(C17: from Late Latin labefactio, from Latin labefacere shake, from labi to fall + facere to make)

As in, "As Ethan and Aaron continued to listen to ELO day after day, there was a labefactation of their will to live."


ALRIGHT LET'S DO THIS!


This section just for Ethan
But you can read it if you want, you voyeur you.

Well Ethan, there you go. You up for it? I'll e-mail you the song every day and you can update this blog as you want. Here are some rules.

-I choose the song using itunes shuffle and e-mail it to you.
-If you happen to finish before I do, feel free to start the days blog.
-You must update within 24 hours of receiving the song (or for me, first listening to the song)
-You must update on the current song before listening to the next one (Which shouldn't be a problem considering the previous rule.
-Don't deface the site. Help me help you. Don't delete anything I write, and vice versa.
-You still have control over this site though. Have fun, just don't screw it up.
-And don't forget to punch out!

Yippie...
-Love Ethan.